Halloween Special 2023: Jowls

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Welcome to the twenty twenty three Treehouse
Podcast Halloween Special Jowls, brought to you

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ad free by our friends that the
scariest haunted house in North Texas Hangman's House

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of Hordes, forty four hundred Blue
Meland Road in Fort Worth Hagmans dot com.

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Now prepare yourself for a spooky,
stupid adventure inside the Treehouse. It's

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been months since the current cast members
of the Treehouse have been together in the

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same room. Dan O'Malley missed his
friends, so he stuck with Treehouse tradition

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and got drunk. While drinking,
He invited Trey and Raj to visit him

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on Saint Thomas and the US Virgin
Islands. They could stay at his house,

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relax, go to the beach,
snorkel, maybe even engage in a

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shirtless home erotic sand volleyball game like
in Top Gun. You know, the

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good life. Trey and Raj booked
their flights and packed their bags, excited

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to see their friend. The problem
now is Dan doesn't remember inviting them,

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But that's not the only problem waiting
for them in Paradise. Hey Trey,

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what's going on? What you're where? Shit? All right, I'm on

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my way everything okay, Hey,
hey Tara, so so funny story.

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Trey and Raj are at the airport
and you forgot they were coming. How

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do you always seem to know everything? It's a gift and a curse,

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just like your memory. Fair point. I was sitting next to you at

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the bar when you invited them silly. Oh yeah, Are you going to

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go pick them up? Or what? Oh? Yeah? The Cyril e

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King Airport is bustling with tourists fresh
off their flights, taxis honking, and

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drivers shouting. Everyone is excited for
high season in the islands. It brings

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cash and revenue to the locals and
their businesses, plus experiences and memories for

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the tourists. Dan managed to find
Trey and Raj and get them in the

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cheap Sorry, I was like picking
you guys up. You forgot about us,

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didn't you? Oh you know?
Damn well he did. I want

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to hear him say it all right, Yes, yes, I forgot you

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guys were coming. We really need
to get that brain checked. I'm fine,

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Tara, had me tested. You
don't want to go back again?

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Where to first grocery store for provisions? The house to unpack, the beach

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the beach hole bait beach to be
exact. That's popular for locals and some

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tourists. It's boat ramp is used
by local fishers. The beach itself is

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rocky, which makes for great snorting. Trey and Raj just want to feel

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the sand and water on their feet
and the setting sun on their faces before

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going to Dan's house for the night. And you guys are lucky. This

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is a great sunset tonight. It's
beautiful. I can see why you guys

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moved here. What the fuck is
that? Ah? That is nomad's.

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That's the locals beach bark. They're
playing the role or whatever. The pellet's

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it's gambling with a bunch of slamming
that goddamn cup over and over and over

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again. You guys, you want
to go to the other bar, It's

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called the Shack. It's nicer and
usually a lot quieter. How about your

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paint killer run oooh they still drugs
on the beach here? No, well,

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yeah, but the pain killer is
a drink here, pineapple juice,

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orange juice, cream of coconut,
fresh nutmeg, and a lot of dark

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rum, a lot of dark thumb. Oh yes, please, before the

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guys can make it to the bar, A very drunk man comes stumbling through

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them out of the shack. Hey
watch it, man. The man stumbles

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toward the beach, drink in hand, and enters the water. Uh yo,

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guys, should we help him?
He shouldn't be out there like that,

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he could. The man splashes in
a panet, streaming with shock and

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agony. His body is tossed back
and forth like an unlucky pair at a

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Mexican donkey show. The blood starts
spewing from the water. The man has

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gone. The water stills. A
dark triangular fin reveals itself about the water

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surface and moved swiftly away from the
shore. Oh my god, is that

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a shark? It has to be
What else could it be boating accident?

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Yes, most likely a boat propeller. Terrible tragedy. I hate to see

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it. There weren't any boats near
that guy. Wait a minute, Everett,

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is that you? What are you
doing here? I got tired of

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hearing about your beach live, so
Cynthia and I moved here. I found

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a legal loophole making me the mayor
of Saint Thomas. So here I am.

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You want to grab sushi Friday?
Everett Is that a three piece suit

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you're wearing at the beach? It's
my swim suit. Trin home. Can

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we get out of here please?
I think I just saw an eyeball wash

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up on the beach. Yeah,
let's get you guys settled in at the

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house. Ever, we'll see you
later. So Vinnie iguanas Friday? Where's

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Tara? Oh she had to go
over to Saint John today, she got

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an early start. Hey, Rag, good morning? Is it geez?

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Somebody woke up on the wrong side
of the island? Oh, you got

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jokes? We saw men get eaten
by a shark last night. Am I

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the only one who remembers that?
I? Remember? But what do you

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want to do about it? The
last person to die from a shark attack

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here was in nineteen sixty three.
That is sixty years Raj, and it'll

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probably be another sixty years before it
happens again. Was it terrible? Yes?

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Was it really gross? Absolutely?
But I don't want it to ruin

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your vacation. Well, too fucking
late, Dan, Well what do you

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want to do about it? I'd
like to check out the Dolphin house.

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I think we should go to the
Wait, what's the dolphin House? You

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don't want to know. Oh well, now I'm extra curious. It's a

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building on Saint Thomas that the government
used for a secret dolphin training program.

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One of the researchers had the building
filled with water and lived with the dolphins.

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One of the dolphins was male,
and such was female, so he

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took a liking to her. Go
on, please don't please do. She

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was trying to teach the male dolphin
English to communicate with people, but dolphins

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are horny that got in the way
of the lessons, so instead of stopping

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the lessons, she would just jack
them off so they could get back to

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work. Where do you find this
shit? She has an Onlyfin's account.

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Oh god, you're proud of yourself, aren't you? A little bit?

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I told you not to ask.
I'm kidding. I saw it on a

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documentary on YouTube, and you want
to go to this place. It's better

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than sitting here worrying about a shark
attack? Dan, Can I get that

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pain killer you were telling me about
last night? Sure thing. The Treehouse

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boys gather up their stuff and head
to Megan's Bay, one of the most

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beautiful beaches in the world, and
it's just twelve minutes from Dan's house.

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They park in the lot near the
entrance and make their way to the Megan's

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Bay Beach bar. Dan orders Raj
that painkiller. Oh my god, that

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is delicious. See I told you, Trey, what do you want?

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Can I just get a coke?
Please? Hey? Did you did?

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He just make me a rum and
coke? And I'm seven years sober.

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I'm not drinking this here. Give
it to me. I'm about seven hours

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sober. This painkiller is so good, it's like my mouth is on vacation.

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Oh good, but my eyes still
see the blood fountain from the last

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beach it took us to, and
now you've brought us to another beach.

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Look at everyone having a good time, Raj, take another sip of your

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drink. Try to relax a little
bit. Raj shakes his head, but

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takes a sip of the painkiller.
It really is a tasty beverage. He

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takes the sights around him, people
playing in the surf. He notices a

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young mother and her son near the
water. Come on, hurry up,

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I'm gonna get my rid egg.
I had a sunscreen again. I guess

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we'll just have to hope you don't
get skin cancer and die. You're so

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stupid you always got a sun screen. It's actually want me to get skin

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cancer and die. What is this
lady doing? Hey? Is she about

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to let her kid go in the
water with a killer shark out there?

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Ris? Let it go? Hell
no, man, I've gotta tell her.

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I've got a warner. Hey,
Hey, Hey, you can't let

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him go in the water. Excuse
me? Where the fuck are you?

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Excuse me? Fucking excuse you.
I'm so sorry. He gets it from

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his father. Man, listen,
you can't let this little bastard go in

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the water. Why not. There
was a shark attack last night in Whole

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Bay. It killed a man.
The shark is still out there somewhere.

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I'm sorry, man. My friend
means, well, he's just worried about

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your son. You did need the
fuck you're running my beach vibes more than

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that, dumb bitch. Mama,
you said there was a shark attack last

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night, Yes, and then a
man was killed. Correct, And that

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shark is still out there somewhere.
Yes, Well, I can't let you

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go out there with nothing between you
and those harmful uv raised Now, can

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I son get over here? That's
right, Nana, I'm process tag.

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Yeah, that's what I'm supposed to
do. Come on, Raj, let's

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just go back to the bar well. Hold on, hold, what does

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that say? Lard? I'm going
Birdie Barny, seriously take that. I

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can't believe that kid. Did you
see all that tray? Yeah, something

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about that kid seems familiar. Oh
my god, is that a fin in

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the water? It is, and
it's headed straight for that little asshole.

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Everyone out of the water. Get
out of the water right now. The

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young boy tries to swim ashore,
but the pink fat on his body makes

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it impossible to get any traction in
the water. This is just horrible to

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witness. That's two blood fountains,
now, two beaches, two blood fountains.

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I told you we have to do
something. You knew, you knew

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there was a shark out there,
you knew it was dangerous, but you

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let people go swimming anyway. You
knew all those things. But still my

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boy is dead. Now there's nothing
you can do about it. Oh,

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my boy's dead. What what in
the world are you hugging me? My

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boys dead? Finally, Oh,
little Russell's dead. Oh, oh,

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finally he has to do Well a
phone call really sorry for your lost man

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hesitation. Call' be sorry, Hello
Everett, Sorry, Mayor Everett. Hey,

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I'm glad you called. No,
I've never seen an autopsy. Okay,

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all right, we'll be right there. We're not going to another beach,

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are we We're going to the morgue. Everett wants to show us something.

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You have to convince him. It's
a shark. You have to tell

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him to shut down the beaches.
He has to do something. It's been

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my experience Rise that when I tell
people in positions of power that there's a

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major problem, we need help and
something needs to be done, they either

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stick their heads in the sand,
or maybe they pretend to care but then

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do nothing. So I don't know
how much good it's gonna do. No,

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Dan, you can't give up.
Not you. You have to try.

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Oh good you made it. Take
a look at this spread, watching

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Nancy. I just polished these shoes. You. I think it's just dehydration.

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Can I get a drink or something? Oh, you don't want to

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drink anything in here, trust me. You smoke too much from aldehyde,

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and this place starts looking like a
bending machine. I've made that mistake plenty

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of times. Anyway, the Mayor
here said he wanted you three idiots to

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see this. What is it?
Our boat propeller victim, local guy?

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What was the name? Doctor Quincy
Foley, Cay Foley. I knew him.

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He liked to get loaded at the
bar and swim home. Made it

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every time until now forty yards.
He would have made it too if he

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hadn't been wearing his good luck ham
Everett, Mayor Newton, this was not

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a boating accident. It was a
shark, and we have to tell you

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something else. There was another attack
this morning, and we saw it at

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Megan's right. Little dingleberry of a
child covered in pig fat got swallowed a

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hole. I know I heard about
it before you boys got here, and

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I know it's not a boating accident. Doctor Quincy here convinced me it was

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a shark. But what I'm not
convinced of is why why does a shark

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keep attacking people because they're wearing pork
products when you three are around? What

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this has nothing to do with us. We're witnesses to your shit show.

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I tried telling you yesterday to do
something, and your answer is to blame

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us. Well, I'm certainly not
going to accept responsibility for it. I

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like this job and I don't care
who I have to stab in the back

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to keep it. Man, you
really have gone full management. Be that

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as it may. My best advice
for you is to take care of this

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problem yourselves and save your good names
before I ruined them any further. Tutulu,

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take care of this problem ourselves.
Is he saying what I think he's

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saying? But what was he saying? I couldn't hear all of it.

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I was cleaning blood out of my
ears. Gentlemen, we're going shark hunting?

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What how long was I deaf?
The Treehouse boys need help to hunt

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this shark. They head to the
south end of Saint Thomas, where Dan

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knows the one place they can find
it. What is this place? Compass

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Point Marina. A lot of the
fishing boat charters come out of here,

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and the captains hang out there at
the dive bar, and hopefully we'll find

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one inside who can help us.
Well, the parking lot show looks busy.

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I guess we're not the only ones
looking to kill a shark. We'll

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meet back here at eight am.
Don't be late. Unexhausted, Yeah me

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too, but you know I'm really
wired? What do you say? I

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take you home an eat your pussy? See raj Some people are making the

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best of a bad situation. Dan, Oh my god, Hey, it's

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so good to see you. Jerry. What are you doing here? Well,

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it's karaoke night. You know how
much I love the time warp?

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Jesus Christ? Is that black lingerie? Of course? Can't do the TimewARP

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from the Rocky Horror Picture Show without
the lingerie? Yes, you actually can,

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Jerry, dive bar doesn't do karaoke
really mmmm? Oh well, I

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guess I'm just cross dressing. Then
what brings you guys down here? We're

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looking for a boat captain to help
us hunt a man eating shark. Well,

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you're in luck. I just so
happened to know one. Which one

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is he? Well, Tray's got
two thumbs and he's standing right in front

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of you in six inch stilettos.
This guy. No, Jerry, you're

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a boat captain. Uh, not
exactly. You remember the stink in France

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at the Cannes Film Festival with the
iHeart yacht. Oh yeah, they got

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busted by port authority for having too
many people on board for a party.

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Correct him? Undo? They asked
me to bring it back. So here

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I am. I'm taking the long
way around. The crew taught me almost

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everything, so I'd be happy to
help you catch this man eating shark.

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We just have to bring her back
before the crew gets back from New York

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with iHeart CEO Bob Pittman. I
don't know. Is there anyone here with

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experience hunting sharks? I don't know, but I will tell you this.

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If you want to catch a man
eater, you better hire a man eater.

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I don't know, Trey Raj,
what are you miss? Is stupid?

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Isn't that what we do? Dan, Trey Raj, and Captain Jerry

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head to the iHeart Yacht to prepare
for the hunt of their lives? Which

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00:17:34.160 --> 00:17:38.000
one is the iHeart yacht? Up
there? Last yacht on the left?

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What's her name? Right? Off? Of course it is? Hey,

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00:17:44.119 --> 00:17:48.160
Jerry? Is there any water on
board? I'm really thirsty? Yep,

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Sorry, it's just booze on board
for the iHeart parties. But I tell

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00:17:51.839 --> 00:17:55.119
you what I do have scars?
Do you want to see? Oh?

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The next morning, the hunt has
begun. Dan and Trey are chumming the

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water, hoping to attract their killer's
shark blood and guts from various fish trail

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behind the yacht. No shark.
The chum is missing something that's not gonna

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work. Guys, if you want
to catch a man eater, don't use

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fish as babies. Jerry, why
are you naked? I'm baitan? Your

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what you said? All the victims
had pork products on him. So cover

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00:18:27.480 --> 00:18:30.359
me head to toe with this lord. I'll jump in the water and start

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baiting. He means baitan like fish, right, God, I hope.

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So when you see the shark,
shoot one of these whiskey barrels into his

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back so we can track him now
ward, me up, Dan, Trey

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and Raj spread the lard all over
Jerry's naked body. Ah, this is

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kind of nice. This is the
worst day of my life. Don't forget

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00:18:51.759 --> 00:18:55.279
the crevices. Get your own crevices, all right. Here we go.

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00:18:55.799 --> 00:19:00.359
Jerry jumps into the water and almost
immediately a dark fin Sir, to see

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00:19:00.400 --> 00:19:06.480
this the same fit they've seen twice
before. Well that was easy. It's

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00:19:06.559 --> 00:19:10.920
not chasing him, it's swimming alongside
him. Why isn't it trying to eat

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00:19:11.000 --> 00:19:15.839
Jerry? Professional courtesy to man eater, is my guess. Dan grabs this

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00:19:15.880 --> 00:19:19.000
spear gun with a line attached to
a whiskey barrel. He takes aim and

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fine, got it. A whiskey
barrel flies off the battle of the boat

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and into the water below. At
the same time, Jerry flings himself under

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the bed like a shimmering marlin,
onto the deck of the yacht. Reload

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00:19:33.680 --> 00:19:37.319
hit him again. He's a monster, No way, only one barrel whiskey's

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gonna slow him down again. Let's
see if that slows him down. Jerry,

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00:19:47.279 --> 00:19:49.559
why didn't the shark go after you? You're covered in lard. I

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00:19:49.720 --> 00:19:52.880
know why you do. Couldn't sleep
last night, so I got on the

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00:19:52.920 --> 00:19:57.599
internet and did some research. Turns
out alcoholism isn't limited humans. Shocks get

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00:19:57.640 --> 00:20:03.079
it too if exposed to enough alcohol. Oh my god, the first victim

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didn't just have a lucky ham.
He was hammered. Drum. Yes,

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00:20:06.920 --> 00:20:10.799
and the little asshole Boyraj, you
threw your drink on him at exactly Both

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00:20:10.880 --> 00:20:14.319
victims had alcohol on or in them. The pork was just a coincidence.

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They all looked toward the water.
They see the shark with three whiskey barrels

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Suddenly, almost like it's plain I'm
not touching you, Jerry, What are

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00:20:25.640 --> 00:20:27.480
you doing? That old bastard made
a fool out of me when I was

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baiting. He's mine, it's on
the poll. I can't stand Jerry.

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00:20:42.799 --> 00:20:56.279
Watch out. That maybe the stupidest
thing I've ever seen. Oh you just

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00:20:56.359 --> 00:20:59.519
wait. I have an idea.
Ray, you're sober. I need you

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00:20:59.599 --> 00:21:03.599
to do something. You're not sober
right now? Nope? Right? Who?

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00:21:03.319 --> 00:21:07.200
What the fuck? I'm a twenty
five year broadcast professional who gets motion

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00:21:07.400 --> 00:21:11.160
sickness. I shouldn't be on this
boat, let alone hunting his shark.

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00:21:11.319 --> 00:21:15.079
I've been sneaking SIPs all day.
I'm a stenteal comedian who just recently started

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00:21:15.119 --> 00:21:18.079
podcasting. I haven't been sober in
months. Fine, what's the plan?

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00:21:18.519 --> 00:21:22.359
I need you to get on that
tender That was not the time to find

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00:21:22.400 --> 00:21:26.680
trade. Not the act raj the
tender boat. That's the boat tied up

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00:21:26.720 --> 00:21:30.359
to the yacht that tends to the
bigger boat. Trade you have to swim

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00:21:30.400 --> 00:21:33.319
out to. Uh. Can I
get a different plan? You don't have

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00:21:33.400 --> 00:21:36.599
a drop of booze in your entire
body. Trade. That shark doesn't want

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00:21:36.640 --> 00:21:40.400
anything to do with you. Just
swim for the tender and wait, wait

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00:21:40.480 --> 00:21:44.039
for what, Wait for you two
to sober up. Swim over to me

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00:21:44.160 --> 00:21:47.920
and live a life of sobriety.
Don't be ridiculous. Trade This thing wants

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00:21:48.000 --> 00:21:49.440
booze, so we're gonna give it
to him. Go now, swim for

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00:21:49.559 --> 00:21:56.039
that boat. What about me?
You see that machete, the one sticking

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00:21:56.079 --> 00:21:59.240
out of the edge of the boat
that Jerry could have used to fight the

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00:21:59.319 --> 00:22:07.039
shark. Yeah, grab it.
Now follow me. Hit the sides of

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00:22:07.039 --> 00:22:18.400
the whiskey barrels with that machete,
every single one of them. You like,

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00:22:18.960 --> 00:22:22.400
Now, what do we do?
Climb up here on the bow with

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00:22:22.519 --> 00:22:26.359
me. Wait? Are we gonna
do that Titanic King of the World thing?

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00:22:27.400 --> 00:22:33.720
Uh? Sort of? Here?
Take one, Oh brilliant, brilliant

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00:22:33.799 --> 00:23:08.920
man ready ready? Last call?
Motherfucker? Dan Raj Dan dann damn.

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00:23:11.920 --> 00:23:18.079
Here, I'm here, I'm here. You got room for one more?

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00:23:18.119 --> 00:23:22.680
Up there? Take my hand?
Hey, look you here, Raj.

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00:23:23.200 --> 00:23:26.519
You managed to pull us onto a
piece of the yacht with the name on

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00:23:26.640 --> 00:23:30.440
it. Are you too done cuddling? Or you want me to make another

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00:23:30.559 --> 00:23:33.359
lap? Get me off this thing, the sinking ship? Yes, please,

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00:23:34.160 --> 00:23:37.240
my pleasure, Raj. You went
on, You're just gonna hang out.

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Just tow me in. I don't
mind riding off into the sunset.

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00:23:44.079 --> 00:23:48.640
Oh God, can we leave him
out there? Yeah? Just cut the

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00:23:48.720 --> 00:23:51.599
line. Tell the coast guard he
was lost at sea. Now that's a

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00:23:51.640 --> 00:23:53.880
plan I can get behind. Okay, not funny, guys, Please take

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00:23:53.960 --> 00:23:57.440
me home. I've had enough of
violin light. Not me. We're actually

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00:23:57.519 --> 00:24:03.279
moving to Saint John. Yeah.
And if I know Tara, she's already

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00:24:03.279 --> 00:24:06.640
got our stuff moved into the new
house. So you chose risking your life

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00:24:06.680 --> 00:24:10.720
to kill a man eating shark over
movie? Technically, yes, but I

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00:24:10.799 --> 00:24:14.279
didn't look at it quite like that. Oh you're in danger, bro,

295
00:24:14.720 --> 00:24:18.519
shut up. Let's go get a
painkiller. I can finally get a water

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00:24:18.160 --> 00:24:29.119
trey. You're surrounded by water.
Thank you for joining us for the twenty

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00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:36.440
twenty three Halloween special Jowls brought to
you by our friends Ed Hangman's House of

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00:24:36.559 --> 00:24:42.079
Horrors. Visit Hangman's dot com.
We hope our stupidity is scared to shit

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00:24:42.119 --> 00:24:42.480
out of you.